Mr Giant Spider

Hundreds and Thousands of Chickens

The weather in New Zealand is Bi Polar at best, but lately it has been particularly unpredictable, the only foreseeable difference being the sweltering, flesh curdling heat we've been forced to endure. Most kiwis seem to be bearing the heat quite well and getting on with their lives. 

All except me.

I have trouble sleeping in the best of conditions, now this fevered weather has reduced me to a sweaty, thrashing insomniac come night time. 

So I arrive at work after a three day, anxious, restless stint. My eyes must have looked like a zombie with a heroine problem. I trudge into the Delicatessin to find two of my co workers and my boss wearing the same weary expression.

While my third co worker stands in the corner and giggles at the rest (no change there).

I got straight to work. Serving my beautiful customers.

I usually take a little break from my lovely customers and giggling co worker to take out the rubbish. Today though, I walked outside to find the sky lit up a florescent light on crack. I was instantly blinded and smashed in the face by the closed fist of humidity. I staggered around for a minute before regaining the ability to see and I had stopped frothing at the mouth. Quickly dumping the rubbish in the skip, I joyously returned to the air conditioned deli. 

Only to find Vikki had gone home early.

She'd been out all night and thought it best to have a cup of coffee before work to keep her awake.

 Only she didn't have a cup of coffee. She had six.

Spending most of her day vibrating round the deli like an electric toothbrush, trying desperately not to throw up.

My boss sent her home.

And put me

On cooking

CHICKENS 

The sad thing about Vik being that tomorrow her brain is going to need caffeine again and she'll be right back on the beans. 

I digress. So I was put on chickens. Cooking hundreds and thousands of chickens in the heatwave of the century, the chickens themselves reaching temperatures of up to 100 degrees Celsius. While the pathetic fan above my head wurred away flimsily, my vital glasses of water grew warm, my hat stuck to my forehead by sweat alone and my uniform shirt slowly glued itself to my back.

So yeah.

Today

was quite

hot.

My Sister Has a Pet Grib

These are his Griblets. 

Lissy created these creatures a short while ago and I immediately fell in love with them.

I'm currently working on a painting of one of them.

I think I'll have to change the shape of his head though. Don't know what I'll do with the painting after I'm done either. 

Nipples

Sometimes I wonder whether some people are born with only one nipple to make up for all the people with extra ones.

Eskimo Mouse

There is a small, pink, marzipan flower living in my fridge. 

Placed there by an unknown family member, presumably off a cake from some sort of function they recently attended, where they spent the night thieving decorations off cakes.

Perhaps a wedding.

I've observed this flower over a period of a week or so and every time I open the fridge it is a fraction smaller.

Until eventually it was reduced to a lump of pink marzipan. Obviously the cake decoration thief / beloved family member, is taking one bite out of the flower every day. 

I'd like to believe though, that there is a small, hyperactive, sugar-hungry, eskimo mouse living in my fridge. It has feasted on the numerous forgotten sugar treats in my fridge so it now moves so fast, that the human eye can no longer track it. For the purpose of this blog and for your entertainment I'll slow down time to capture a glimpse of the fridge dwelling, sugar fiend. (See what I do for you people?)

Well, yeah its out of focus. Have you ever seen a photo of big foot, the loch ness monster or a UFO that was in focus? No, didn't think so. However just for you I'll render what I imagine him to look like.

I think I shall call him Barry.

This is Vanilla Fiction, the girl who is home alone on Christmas eve, signing off. I hope I don't get burgled because to be honest, I'm just not that fast at making burglar traps.

Have a Merry Merry Christmas full to the brim with laughter and drunken uncles.

xx

Until next time

VF

A Blind Date- Of Some Description

Well. This is awkward.

My first post on my first blog for my first audience (of most likely one).

I feel like I'm on a blind date of some description, so excuse me if I'm a little shy, it's my first time. 

So I think I'll just skip the "Hi" and "Nice to meet you!" and power straight into the relationship.

Somebody once told me that I should start a blog, to which I promptly replied, "Yeah, fully!" with an expression of "I'm keen!" thinly masking a look of "How about no!" Which was spurred by the belief that blogs are for people who have fagot breath. (No offence smokers, come breathe on me all you like.)

I later decided to review my opinion on blogs when I read one which brought me to tears. (and to the attention of my class mates in the computer lab. "Why is the new girl crying?") I have never witnessed anyone who has mastered the use of text and images like hyperbole and a half. She is a genius, and will make you laugh until you cry, then cry until you laugh once more. You can't stop, it's a crime.

Anyway, so far you know nothing about me. Which is a good start for our first date, I'll let you do all the talking because I'm a lady about these things. Besides, I know you're an obsessive internet stalker which is the sad result of your addiction to facebook. But thats ok. Now you know that your ex's new boyfriend is as ugly as all hell, and most like smells like Puhoi Valley's goat milk, blue vein cheese.

Well, I had fun tonight. Call me??